Chairman of the board, president and chief executive officer
Hormel Foods Corp.
1 Hormel Place
Austin, MN 55912

Dear Mr. Johnson,

Greetings from Mississippi. I am a little-known, semi-syndicated food columnist who recently wrote a feature article on one of your company’s new products, SPAM with turkey.

I also am the president of the Save the SPurkey Campaign (Save the Whales already was taken). Maybe you have heard of us. Even though we formally organized just five weeks ago, we are quickly becoming a force to be reckoned with (I apologize for the notebook paper, but we are still working on our Save the SPurkey logo and letterhead).

I am writing on behalf of our organization to ask you to change the name of your new product “SPAM with turkey” (a horrible name in our opinion) to SPurkey. We feel this name keeps the SPAM tradition alive. If, SPiced + hAM = SPAM then it only goes to reason that SPiced ham [minus the ham] + turkey = SPurkey.

This week, at the first Save the SPurkey meeting, our members voted down an offer to sign a dual-membership agreement with Greenpeace. We assumed that most Greenpeace members are vegetarians and wouldn’t appreciate the tasty benefits of SPurkey. Also, they probably would ignore our mission statement and use the partnership to steal the SPurkey membership roster forcing our members into rubber rafts to fight with those big tanker ships in the middle of the ocean. This could be fun, but they would probably make us eat tofu and drink carrot juice (foods not as compact and portable as SPurkey).

We also voted to secure the rights to the Starland Vocal Band’s 1976 smash hit “Afternoon Delight” to serve as the International SPurkey theme song. If we are successful in this campaign, maybe Hormel could use the song in an upcoming televised ad campaign for SPurkey. SPurkey is certainly an “Afternoon Delight” (and, probably just as tasty in the morning or evening). You can have that idea free of charge (one “prez” to another), just for considering the name SPurkey (It’s amazing how the executive mind works once you get it cranked up). (I like using parentheses, do you?) (It must be an executive thing).

If we cannot secure the rights to “Afternoon Delight”, we plan to use Swedish super-group ABBA’s No.1 hit “Dancing Queen”. It doesn’t have anything to do with eating SPurkey, but it is my 4-year-old daughter’s favorite song.

In my capacity as president of a worldwide organization, I, too, feel the everyday stress and pressures of big business. Maybe we could get together and compare war stories. You are welcome to come to my house for a visit anytime you like. Even though you are a chairman of the board, a chief executive officer and a president and I am still just a president, I think we would have a lot in common. (Did you notice I didn’t use any parentheses in that paragraph?)

Mr. Johnson, could you send me a free SPAM T-shirt from the gift shop at the SPAM Museum? I wear an XXL (yes, I am also a candidate for SPAM lite). In return I will send you a Save the SPurkey T-shirt as soon as we can afford to print them. We only have seven members so far: the three women who work in my office, two readers of my column, my daughter (the Dancing Queen) and me.

I have never eaten SPAM (but I promise that if you change the name of SPAM with turkey to SPurkey, I will do my part, and make both of my children eat at least one can a month for the next two years … that was a long parenthesis wasn’t it?). I have, however, thought of a few ideas for some other SPAM-type products I might consider eating: SPAM with shrimp = SPIMP, SPAM with ice cream = SPICECREAM. And household products such as Saran Wrap: SPAM + plastic = SPastic (I’ll have to ask for a 3 percent commission for that idea, sorry).

I read on your Web site that in South Korea SPAM is considered a delicacy. What a great marketing job you have done in that country. Maybe you should send your South Korean marketing director back to the U.S. Certainly a person that gifted would recognize the benefits of changing the name to SPurkey (another parentheses-free paragraph!).

Once again, please consider our request to change the name of SPAM with turkey to SPurkey, and feel free to come to my house for a visit anytime you like (don’t forget the free T-shirt).

Sincerely,

Robert St. John
President (soon-to-be CEO and chairman of the board, too!), Save the SPurkey Campaign

P.S. My wife’s maiden name was Johnson (Maybe we are related!).


Crescent City Grill Thousand Island Dressing

2 cups mayonnaise
1/2 cup chili sauce
2 tablespoons bell pepper, small dice
1 tablespoon onion, minced
3 tablespoons sweet pickle relish
pinch salt
1 1/2 boiled eggs, chopped

Combine all ingredients thoroughly.