It’s time to make another New Year’s resolution.

I’m keeping it simple this year and dusting off the resolution I’ve used the last 10 years. Once again, I will resolve to lose weight. I have to do something, and quick. I now have more rolls than Broad Street (Jody’s) Bakery.

When my first restaurant opened, I had a 32-inch waist. This morning I barely squeezed into a pair of 40-inch waist pants. My Levi’s 501s have turned into Levi’s 1002s. Eight measly inches in 14 years doesn’t sound like a lot. However, at that rate I’ll be trying to squeeze into 50-inch waist pants when I’m 60. I don’t ever need to wear pants so big that my wife has to iron them on the driveway.

Back in the good ol’ days they called me “Big Guy” because I was the boss of the restaurant. Now they call me “Big Guy” because, well, I am a big guy. More recently they have shortened the loveable and semi-snuggly “Big Guy” into the much bulkier and heavier moniker “Biggun”. Yes, I was called “Biggun” the other day, as in “Hey Biggun, save some biscuits for me, and stop hogging all the butter.” That comment proved to be the icing on the cake. I refuse to be “Biggun”.  

To accomplish this resolution I’ll need to drop a whole lot of pounds. How many you ask – about the estimated weight of your average fourth-grader. Fortunately, health wise, I check out fine. My cholesterol is 135, which is an amazing number, considering I am the “King of All that is Dairy” and the “Master of All Things Porcine” much more noble titles than “Biggun”.

The New Year’s diet is always a tough row to hoe, but this year I am motivated. As of Dec. 1, 2001, I officially have more chins than the Peking phone book, and if I don’t do something soon I’ll need to be fitted for a bra. I can remember when I was 12, lying awake at night, praying for a pair of breasts. At 40, my prayers have been answered; unfortunately the breasts belong to me.

And where did my rear end go? I woke up early one morning in my mid-30s and it was gone. In some type of reverse-gravity-freak-trick-of-nature, my rump has moved northward and settled in my chest area. If I could only figure out how I did it, I could develop and market this miraculous plan to women everywhere: Lose excess rump, gain surplus chest, all while you sleep! The St. John Plan … I’d make millions.

I’ve done Sugar Busters. I’ve taken a half-hearted stab at Body for Life. I’ve gone no-fat, high-carbs and low-carbs, high-protein. I once went on a fast-food diet and gained 12 pounds. I’ve got Dr. Atkins waiting in the wings but I haven’t decided on the strategy I will employ this time around. All I know is that I am not going to be able to eat all of the stuff I like to eat, and that makes me mad. I love to eat!

I have a Subway Sandwich Shop one block from my house. Maybe I could go to Subway morning, noon and night and eat a bland and boring vegetable sandwich with no mayonnaise or cheese and get my mug on national TV like that Jared guy did. “There he is America, the previously plump chef holding his old 40-inch waist pants and showing off that new breast-free chest.”

So, that’s it. I’m putting it down in black and white to be read all over. I, Robert St. John, am going to lose weight this year. Just how much weight remains to be seen – no one trusts a skinny chef.  In honor of today’s Robert-is-going-on-another-New-Year’s-diet column, the featured recipe is Shrimp Bisque with lots of heavy cream, Half & Half and butter. Enjoy it while you can!


Purple Parrot Café Shrimp Bisque

1/2 cup clarified butter or margarine
1/2 cup green bell pepper, small dice
1/2 cup red bell pepper, small dice
1 cup yellow onion, small dice
1/3 cup green onion, chopped
1 1/2 pounds shrimp, medium, peeled and deveined
1 tablespoon basil, dried
2 tablespoons garlic, freshly minced
1/2 teaspoon white pepper
1/2 teaspoon cayenne pepper
2 teaspoons thyme
2 tablespoons Crescent City Grill Creole Seasoning
1/2 cup white wine
1/4 cup brandy
1 quart chicken stock
1 quart shrimp stock
1/4 cup Crescent City Grill Cayenne & Garlic Sauce
1 1/2 cups tomatoes, medium dice
roux (1 cup oil and 1 1/2 cups flour)
1 quart heavy cream
1 1/2 cups Half & Half

In a large stockpot, sauté bell pepper and onion in margarine until soft. Add shrimp and seasonings and cook two to three minutes. Deglaze with wine and brandy. Add both stocks, Cayenne & Garlic Sauce and tomatoes and bring to a boil. Make a light blonde roux and add to shrimp stock mixture stirring vigorously. Cook five to six minutes. Add heavy cream and Half & Half and cook until thickened, five to 10 minutes. Serve hot garnished with chopped bacon, green onions and homemade croutons.