This year the Hormel Foods Corp. will produce its six billionth can of SPAM.

That is a lot of SPAM. For the two people out there who might be unfamiliar with this product, SPAM is spiced ham in a can (SPiced + hAM = SPAM). SPAM is made in Austin, Minn. (I told y’all they didn’t know anything about good food up there).

I am not a SPAM fan, but there are plenty of them out there. How do I know? As any investigative journalist worth his shorthand would, I visited the SPAM Web site, where I read this press release: “Just as every Elvis fan longs to visit Graceland, SPAM fans worldwide now have their own pilgrimage to make. This fall (2001), SPAM, the tasty world-famous luncheon meat, will have its very own museum.” Yes, friends and neighbors, the SPAM Museum is open for business. Move over Disney World, here comes the Hormel Foods Corp.

According to the Web site, some of the museum’s available activities are:

• “Put on hard hats, rubber gloves, hairnets and earplugs – everything you'll need to participate in the simulated SPAM production line.” At that point, I could die knowing my life was complete.

• “Meet a few self-proclaimed SPAM fans and learn about their love of luncheon meat in ‘SPAM ... A Love Story’ a 12-minute film that examines the world's love affair with SPAM.” Currently playing to sold out crowds in the museum’s 43-seat theater, and, if I’m not mistaken, one of this year’s Academy Award nominees. Ebert (a definite SPAM eater) gives it two, very plump, thumbs up!

• “Read an actual letter from President Dwight D. Eisenhower and learn about SPAM luncheon meat's role in World War II.”  I’ll bet we find out that it was SPAM that helped Ike keep Patton in line.

Apparently, SPAM was a key player in WWII. The SPAM site quotes former communist Grand Poo-Bah Nikita Khrushchev as saying, “Without SPAM we wouldn't have been able to feed our army.” So let me get this straight, if we wouldn’t have sent the Russians all of that SPAM, they wouldn’t have been able to feed their soldiers and therefore the Soviet military would have been completely wiped out years ago. Well, thank you, SPAM, for 40 fun-filled years of Cold War, Commie spies, deficit spending and budget-busting military build up!

The Ruskies obviously love canned meat. It was probably a can of SPAM that Khrushchev and Nixon were arguing over in that model kitchen back in 1959. Nixon always looked like a SPAM eater.

I am not a conspiracy theorist, but I know that SPAM was first sold in 1937. That is, coincidentally, the same year Amelia Earhart disappeared. I’ll bet 20 rubles the Russians hijacked Amelia in hopes of finding out the top-secret recipe for SPAM.

Today I saw a commercial for a new SPAM product made with turkey. Could we have taken this health thing a little too far? Is SPAM with turkey that’s much better for you than SPAM with ham? Hormel already was making SPAM lite. One would think they had the health-conscious, canned-luncheon meat segment covered.

They call this new delicacy “SPAM with turkey”. Bad name. Hormel is a $4 billion company that produces 435 cans of Spam every minute. One would think they could afford better product-naming market research.

Dance with the one that brung you, I always say. If it’s made with turkey, it should be called SPurkey. (SPiced ham [minus the ham] + turkey = SPurkey).

Fellow readers, SPurkey deserves its own cutesy name just like SPAM. Join my fight to give SPurkey its rightful place on the canned meat aisle and send a letter to Joel W. Johnson, CEO, Hormel Foods Corp., 1 Hormel Place, Austin, MN 55912.

The 2002 Save the SPurkey Campaign officially has begun. A vote for SPurkey is a vote for properly labeled canned meat. Are you ready to do your part? The American way of life depends on it.


Café Potatoes

3 pounds new potatoes (B-red size) quartered, skin-on
1/4 cup butter, melted
2 tablespoons Crescent City Grill Creole Seasoning
1 tablespoons fresh rosemary, finely chopped

Steam or boil new potatoes to just before fork-tender and transfer immediately to refrigerator to cool. Hold cold until ready to cook. Fry new potatoes in cottonseed oil heated to 350 degrees until golden brown. Toss with butter and seasoning and serve immediately.