Reality TV has reached a new low.

Fox, the upstart network that brought us such memorable broadcasting gems as “How to Marry a Multimillionaire”, “Temptation Island” and “When Good Pets Go Bad” has struck again; this time with a supposed sporting event called, “The Glutton Bowl”. Always on the lookout for cutting-edge food column material, I decided to commit two hours of my life and watch.

“The Glutton Bowl”, billed as “The world’s greatest eating competition” was more like WWF-meets-the-Jerry-Springer-Show-with-an-eating-disorder. The hosts of the event were Mark Thompson (your guess is as good as mine) and International Federation of Competitive Eating Chairman of the Board George Shea. How could I have lived 40 years and not been aware of the existence of the IFOCE? Thankfully, we soon found out that The Glutton Bowl was an IFOCE-sanctioned event.

Each round included six “athletes” gorging themselves on various foodstuffs in the hopes of reaching the final round. At stake were 3 tons of food and a total purse of $45,000. For those readers who missed this fine example of 21st-century programming, here are the round-by-round details.

Round 1 featured hard-boiled eggs. Announcer Thompson warned us, “these are professional eaters, do not try this at home.” As the “athletes” began stuffing themselves, Shea the IFOCE chairman, spouted out such profound statements as “He (a contestant) is taking precision bites using the two-bite method,” and, “You train with your arms, you train with your legs, but you must train with your jaw.”

As the winner polished off his 38th hard-boiled egg, IFOCE Chairman Shea, with all the pride of a doting father proclaimed, “His shirt is soiled, but it is a badge of his victory.” After the obligatory Glutton Cam slow-motion instant replay (summary: he put the eggs in his mouth again, chewed again and swallowed again … although much slower than the first time) we moved to round two.

Round 2 was the butter round in which six overweight athletes ate as many sticks of butter as they could swallow in five minutes. The winner of this fiercely competitive round, Don “Moses” Lorman, ate seven sticks of butter in five minutes. “This is a man who is dedicated beyond all reasonable thought,” IFOCE Chairman Shea said. And I might add … all reasonable sense.

At the end of the round, a scantily clad blonde (20 bucks says she’s the producer’s girlfriend) placed a gold medal on the chest of the winner. “That is not sweat, those are tears of joy,” Chairman Shea observed. It was sweat.

Round 3 included such stellar athletes as Dominick “The Doginator” Cardo, a semi-pro bowler, and Greg “Gaseous Maximus” Frye, a sheet-metal worker dressed in full gladiator regalia. IFOCE Chairman Shea observed of Gaseous Maximus, “he is a student of the classics; he brings a level of sophistication to the sport.” I am not making this stuff up.

Round 3 turned out to be the “sophisticated” beef-tongue-eating round and as the “athletes” gnawed away at huge 3-pound beef tongues, Shea gave us such play-by-play jewels as, “let’s not forget the pedigree in these eaters” and “he’s having trouble getting a burp.”

Round 4 included the youngest and smallest of all the competitors, Takeru “The Tsunami” Kobayashi. At 130 pounds, he weighed in at what some of the other competitors were able to eat. The Tsunami’s bio informed us that he once ate “An entire Chinese menu.” I am not sure if he ate the actual laminated menu or the items described therein. But he probably could have done both as this little fellow ended up eating 31 hot dogs (a new US record we are told) in five minutes.

Round 5 was the mayonnaise round. A Ukrainian gentleman ate four 32-ounce bowls (8 pounds) of mayonnaise. At this point, IFOC Chairman Shea was running out of profound play-by-play statements. I was becoming sick to my stomach.

Round 6 of the Glutton Bowl hosted an Elvis impersonator, an Ohioan named Coondog and a Texan named Jed who once ate 152 jalapeño peppers in 15 minutes. Round 6 was fairly uneventful except Coondog almost barfed. Me, too.

Round 7 was the sushi round and a female U.S. postal-worker named Belly Donna did barf. I held firm.

In Round 8 of this inadvertent comedy, all the second-place winners from earlier rounds were lucky enough to return to the stage and allowed to eat as many Rocky Mountain Oysters (bull testicles) as they could digest. I swear I am not making any of this stuff up.

A Canadian gentleman ate five Rocky Mountain Oysters. During Round 8, Shea caught his second wind and gave us such color-analysis pearls as, “he fought down a mighty sway upward” and “he needed that burp.”

The championship round pitted the preliminary-round winners against each other to see who could eat the largest amount of cow brains. “Think of it as pate,” Shea said.

Each brain weighed 5 ounces (which explains why cows are so stupid). During this gut-wrenching display, the IFOCE Chairman, speaking of the diminutive winner, exclaimed, “This is a rock star! This is a professional athlete at the top of his game! History is being made here tonight!” The 130-pound Kobayashi ate 53 cow brains in five minutes (double the amount of his nearest competitor) this, after eating 31 hot dogs earlier in the evening.

Confetti was flying across the stage as the producer’s girlfriend presented the Glutton Bowl trophy to Takeru “The Tsunami” Kobayashi. IFOCE Chairman George Shea, ever the exaggerator, proclaimed, “He is truly the greatest athlete in the world.”

Will there be a Glutton Bowl II? Only the IFOCE board of directors knows for sure. In the meantime, I plan to write Fox CEO Rupert Murdoch and ask him to kindly refund those two hours of my life.